Wow, no one ever told me that becoming a Nana (my chosen name,though I am open to suggestions) would do such a number on my world! Suddenly, I spend copious amounts of time staring into the eyes of an infant. Gee, how low ago was that that I stared into the eyes of an infant? 19 years next month. An eternity.
I wrestled last night, thinking about my dear mom and the fact that she never got to be much a part of my daughters' lives. Such a shame, because she and they are all so awesome and fun to be with. But distance and lack of expendable income kept them apart. As I experience this little one, Layla, so up close and personally, I ache for what Mom didn't have. I hope she didn't go through the second part of her life yearning, as I might imagine myself doing.
Did I say imagine myself doing? Correct that. Even in the midst of all that is so good in my life, I am here to confess that I continue to yearn. And I don't expect it to stop anytime soon, as I have already lived out a good half of my life. And watching Dad struggle with 82, I'm thinking I might be glad not to get there.
What I want is ALREADY HERE, that's the plain truth of it. It's just that I need to open my eyes wider and wider to see it, or rather pray that God do that for me, because from what i can tell so far, I'm not very good at it.
On my way to church last week, this prayer popped in (I swear it has something to do with that river): "Oh God! Save me from my wants, my desires, my yearnings, my regrets, you know the list, because they are already satisfied in you. It's not about me!!! Please let me be of service to others with no thought of myself."
That is my ongoing prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment