ALL STRINGS ATTACHED

Wow, no one ever told me that becoming a Nana (my chosen name,though I am open to suggestions) would do such a number on my world! Suddenly, I spend copious amounts of time staring into the eyes of an infant. Gee, how low ago was that that I stared into the eyes of an infant? 19 years next month. An eternity.

I wrestled last night, thinking about my dear mom and the fact that she never got to be much a part of my daughters' lives. Such a shame, because she and they are all so awesome and fun to be with. But distance and lack of expendable income kept them apart. As I experience this little one, Layla, so up close and personally, I ache for what Mom didn't have. I hope she didn't go through the second part of her life yearning, as I might imagine myself doing.
 
Did I say imagine myself doing? Correct that. Even in the midst of all that is so good in my life, I am here to confess that I continue to yearn. And I don't expect it to stop anytime soon, as I have already lived out a good half of my life. And watching Dad struggle with 82, I'm thinking I might be glad not to get there.

What I want is ALREADY HERE, that's the plain truth of it. It's just that I need to open my eyes wider and wider to see it, or rather pray that God do that for me, because from what i can tell so far, I'm not very good at it.

On my way to church last week, this prayer popped in (I swear it has something to do with that river): "Oh God! Save me from my wants, my desires, my yearnings, my regrets, you know the list, because they are already satisfied in you. It's not about me!!! Please let me be of service to others with no thought of myself."

That is my ongoing prayer.

It's not about me. It's about me being like YOU.

So, continuing my last blog, my sister finally called. We spoke very briefly until I found out she was on the elliptical, doing her daily workout, at which point I suggested she call me back when she was done.

And, surprise, surprise, I hung up the phone and caught a seriously GREEN reflection as I passed by the mirror. You've got to be kidding me. I thought about how I might actually have to act out my responses of delight and encouragement, with absolutely no truth behind them.

What gives here? Why am I bothered by her telling me that she is on the elliptical? I am thinking it's because currently I am somewhat torqued at the top of my leg, making even walking a little challenging. It's probably going to be a cane day.

So, it's because I can't that I'm upset that she can. That brings to mind an ugly word.

SELFISH.

The exact opposite of what Jesus was/is. And here's where the rubber really hits the road. Am I going to say, enough of this, enough of ME, and more/ALL of You, please?

I sure am bound to try.

Just do it.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. That verse, NIV version, which I have read and heard countless times broke me open yesterday to a whole new way of seeing -- what I call an Epiphany!

It turns out that Luke Chapter 6 as a whole packs a MEGA wallop. I was not expecting the quick tears, but then my mind just honed right in. Do to others as you would have them do to you -- made harder for me, since I struggle ferociously with the big E - envy.

I immediately thought of my sisters, both younger, one already gone. How many times I wounded them with my mean (envious) replies, because I wanted what they had and refused to rejoice over their good fortune. My regrets are legion.

But then this: What if, when my sister shares something good that's going on with her, I imagine her words as my own and respond as I would yearn for her to respond to me.

I texted her, wanting to test this new response mechanism, scratch that, love response. Could I do it, I wondered. Alas,she has not called me back yet but when she does, I'm hoping to "change things up", as dear friend L likes to say, and send her off scratching her head and wondering what's gotten into her big sis.

And if she ever asks, or maybe even if she doesn't, I'll tell her, Luke 6:31 got into me, like it never had before.